Brian Mayer

I just finished Steven Pressfield’s The War of Art, and if there’s any book that has knocked me on my ass more in the last decade I can’t think of it.

It’s a hard book to read because it tears you apart — it calls you out for the phony you are, you who presume to be a writer, a musician, an artist, who does no such writing or music or art. It slashes your ego and makes you consider that all the reasons you refuse to move forward with your project are just excuses, and bad ones at that.

It’s also an honest book, written by an author who spent decades struggling to become the writer he knew he could be. He lived the war he writes about with brutal candor.

It makes me think about the way I tried to break myself out of [what he calls, and what I now shall call] The Resistance by writing one blog post per day, and how I copped out after 112 days not because I didn’t have anything to write, but because I didn’t have the discipline to open my laptop and write it.

I perpetually have 2-3 projects outside of my ‘real job’ that I have yet to get off the ground, and there’s no reason for that other than myself.

But this isn’t self flagellation. It’s human nature to encounter fear, especially when faced with the fear of what one might accomplish (Pressfield calls the Fear of Success more terrifying than the Fear of Failure). I’m OK with the choices I have made. The only thing that matters is where to go from here: what am I capable of doing, and what am I going to do to get it done?

Hiking is the last thing I’d ever think I loved, because it’s a totally miserable affair. Being outside in the sun (yuck), getting sunburned (double yuck), the sweat, the sore muscles, the bugs, the prickly bushes, the way your underwear becomes absolutely useless, if not counterproductive…oh, and did I mention the heat?

But in the past couple years, and this weekend in Colorado especially, it has become one of my favorite things. Maybe it’s the sense of accomplishment when you reach the top. Or the views. Or, just maybe, the satisfaction of knowing you did something not sitting home on the couch watching Netflix.

I don’t know, I guess I just finally get the appeal.

My new stretch goal: to climb some of the Colorado ‘14er’ mountains. That could be fun?

In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776

The unanimous Declaration of the Thirteen United States of AMERICA.

WHEN, in the Course of human Events, it becomes necessary for one People to dissolve the Political Bands which have connected them with another; and to assume, among the Powers Of The Earth, the separate and equal Station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the Opinions of Mankind requires that they should declare the Causes which impel them to the Separation.

We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their CREATOR with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these Rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the Consent of the Governed, that whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these Ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such Principles, and organizing its Powers in such Form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established, should not be changed for light and transient Causes; and accordingly all Experience hath shewn, that Mankind are more disposed to suffer, while Evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the Forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long Train of Abuses and Usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object, evinces a Design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their Right, it is their Duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future Security. Such has been the patient Sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The History of the present King of Great-Britain is a History of repeated Injuries and Usurpations, all having in direct Object the Establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

HE has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public Good.

HE has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing Importance, unless suspended in their Operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

HE has refused to pass other Laws for the Accommodation of large Districts of People, unless those People would relinquish the Right of Representation in the Legislature, a Right inestimable to them and formidable to Tyranny only.

HE has called together Legislative Bodies at Places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the Depository of their public Records, for the sole Purpose of fatiguing them into Compliance with his Measures.

HE has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly Firmness his Invasions on the Rights of the people.

HE has refused for a long Time, after such Dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, Incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining, in the mean Time, exposed to all the Dangers of Invasion from without, and Convulsions within.

HE has endeavoured to prevent the Population of these States; for that Purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their Migrations hither, and raising the Conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

HE has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.

HE has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the Tenure of their Offices, and the Amount and Payment of their Salaries.

HE has erected a Multitude of new Offices, and sent hither Swarms of Officers to harass our People, and eat out their Substance.

HE has kept among us, in times of Peace, Standing Armies, without the Consent of our Legislatures.

HE has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.

HE has combined with others to subject us to a Jurisdiction foreign to our Constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

FOR quartering large Bodies of Armed Troops among us:

FOR protecting them, by a mock Trial, from Punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

FOR cutting off our Trade with all Parts of the World:

FOR imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

FOR depriving us in many Cases, of the Benefits of Trial by Jury:

FOR transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended Offences:

FOR abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an arbitrary Government, and enlarging its Boundaries, so as to render it at once an Example and fit Instrument for introducing the same absolute Rule into these Colonies:

FOR taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

FOR suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with Power to legislate for us in all Cases whatsoever.

HE has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection, and waging War against us.

HE has plundered our Seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our Towns, and destroyed the Lives of our People.

HE is, at this Time, transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to complete the Works of Death, Desolation, and Tyranny, already begun with Circumstances of Cruelty and Perfidy, scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous Ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized Nation.

HE has constrained our fellow Citizens, taken Captive on the high Seas, to bear Arms against their Country, to become the Executioners of their Friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

HE has excited domestic Insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the Inhabitants of our Frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known Rule of Warfare, is an undistinguished Destruction of all Ages, Sexes and Conditions.

IN every Stage of these Oppressions we have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble Terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated Injury. A Prince, whose Character is thus marked by every Act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the Ruler of a free People.

NOR have we been wanting in Attentions to our British Brethren. We have warned them, from Time to Time, of Attempts by their Legislature to extend an unwarrantable Jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the Circumstances of our Emigration and Settlement here. We have appealed to their native Justice and Magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the Ties of our common Kindred to disavow these Usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our Connexions and Correspondence. They too have been deaf to the Voice of Justice and of Consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the Necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the Rest of Mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

WE, therefore, the Representatives of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, in GENERAL CONGRESS, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the World for the Rectitude of our Intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly Publish and Declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be, FREE AND INDEPENDENT STATES; that they are absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political Connexion between them and the State of Great-Britain, is, and ought to be, totally dissolved; and that as FREE AND INDEPENDENT STATES, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which INDEPENDENT STATES may of Right do. And for the Support of this Declaration, with a firm Reliance on the Protection of DIVINE PROVIDENCE, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honour.

I’m here
Just waiting
For the next train to arrive
For the next train to arrive
For the next train to arrive

I’m here
Just waiting
For the next train to arrive, for the next train to arrive, for the next train to arrive

I’m here just waiting
For the next train
to arrive
For the next train to
arrive
For the next train to arrive

I’m here, just waiting
For the
next train
to arrive
For the next
Train to arrive
For the next train
to arrive…I’m here

Just waiting
For the next train to arrive
For the next train to
Arrive. For the next
Train to arrive.

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i’m here just waiting for the next train to arrive for the next train to arrive for the next train to arrive

I’m here.
Just waiting.
For the next train to arrive.
For the next train to arrive.
For the next train
toarrive.

I’m here.
Just waiting for the next train.
To arrive for the next train.
To arrive for the next train.
To arrive I’m here, just waiting, for the next train to arrive.
For the next train to arrive. For the next train to arrive.

They say that April showers bring May flowers, but this year it seems rather the other way around. It hasn’t yet stopped raining and we’re already halfway through May. Some will blame global warming. I blame whichever Victorian poet came up with that useless jingle.

I know you think you’re a genius. You’re the first person to ever realize how hard it is to remember where you parked or split the bill and your app is a totally brilliant solution to this problem.

However I guarantee that someone has already had this idea. Most of the time, someone has built and failed at it already. If they haven’t yet, they’re on their way to failing right now. Or they’ve been successful, and your problem has already been solved better than you ever could.

The success of a startup is not on the idea, it’s on the execution.

The faster entrepreneurs figure this out, the faster they can get a head start on their project, by looking at those who have come before them and learning from their mistakes.

I see far too many entrepreneurs pitch undifferentiated ideas that won’t survive to find a market, let alone the competition they’ll encounter if they do survive. And it’s because they’re missing the key ingredients for a company’s success: sales, marketing, technology, timing—these things matter far more than the idea.

This is a good thing. It means that the startups of the future aren’t limited by a known list of prefabricated ideas — they are only limited by what you can do with them.

I don’t put much stock in the dog vs. cat debate, but I know that dogs love me more than cats do. And the feeling is mutual.

There’s literally nothing better than being greeted by a dog at the end of a long day.

I’ve known only two dogs very well in my life. Both have been true and loyal companions, true friends in that I could always depend on their affection and they could always depend on mine.

One day, I’ll write more extensively about one or both of them. But every once in a while I think back at these relationships that never failed me, and I smile.

There are few things in life that give me more pleasure than one of my many pairs of comfy pants. Comfy pants can come in all varieties; swishy, soft, silky, tight, loose. But they all have one thing in common, at least in my case: they are all comfortable, and they are all black. I guess you could say that black is my color.

Comfy pants are Faustian for me. I put them on and I immediately feel like getting on the couch and watching Sunday morning cartoons on Nickelodeon — something I haven’t done in over 20 years. There’s something about comfy pants — it’s not just that they’re comfy. They make me feel safe. I only wear them when I’m “at home” — home being wherever I am sleeping that night, vacations included — so wearing them is homely. They also sap my productivity; the difference between wearing jeans and comfy pants is the difference between ‘WFH’ (work from home) and ‘OOO’ (out of office).

What’s more, all my pairs of comfy pants have been given to me as gifts — mostly from people who are or were at one time very close to me. This isn’t something I think about every time I wear them, but it probably plays into the feeling of homeliness and psychological comfort. Wearing the pants makes me feel loved. And comfy.

Get yourself a pair of comfy pants. You won’t regret it.

I played violin for 15 years before I finally gave it up. I took lessons generously paid for by my parents from a very young age. I learned the techniques and I learned the fingerings and I learned the sheet music. I got to a relatively advanced level where I was able to play technically difficult songs from composers like Béla Bartók.

But learning any instrument, or any skill, confronts you with increasing difficulty and requires increasing commitment. At the beginning, you are seduced by the art form and desire to learn the skill and are willing to put in the time. With the right teacher — of which I had one or two — you can be inspired to continue to improve your technique — you may even find yourself practicing without being asked by a nagging parent. But at a certain point, like all things, you must take the initiative to get better yourself. It’s no longer about someone pushing you, it’s about you pushing yourself.

My favorite teacher was named Tom and he lived in New Haven. Getting driven up there by my dad every Saturday morning was one of my favorite rituals. We would listen to Car Talk, Garrison Keillor or Don Imus on the way.

Tom was quite talented. He himself played in an orchestra, don’t remember which. He had two Rhodesian Ridgebacks and every time I see one today I have a flashback. He was an inspirational teacher I actually cared about impressing, which was strange for me given most teachers I had at the time in school were at best tolerable. I do remember disappointing him a lot. He noted several times over the years we played together that I wasn’t practicing enough, that I was capable of doing something but hadn’t put in the effort to learn it. Towards the end, most of my lessons were a waste of time for him and for me; it was clear I hadn’t practiced and I was struggling through the same passages over and over again. That was when he fired me as a student.

After that, I went through a slew of teachers and I failed to impress any of them. If I were an adult, I would have been able to be honest with myself that violin was just not something I was particularly seduced by anymore — I had reached the peak of my ability and willingness to learn. But as a kid, it took my years to slowly fail out of violin. My last teacher was employed at my high school as a music teacher there. He didn’t show much interest in making an effort to to rescue my potential, especially given my obvious disinterest. After a couple months of exasperation, either he or I just dropped it. I don’t remember which.

I can still pick up a violin and play it, not necessarily well. It doesn’t bring me joy. The feeling of failure—failure to improve, failure to practice, failure to meet my own potential—flows through my bow hand and through the vibration of the strings. I am grateful I had the chance to learn it, but every stop of my journey, in retrospect, was a disaster.

One good thing did come out of it: through violin I learned to love music, and through music I learned piano. And the piano has been my constant, loving companion since I first learned how to plunk out a tune.

I so admire people who are able to write a full…anything. Whether it be a poem, a play, a book—the ability to cogently put down thoughts in order is so beyond me. I’ve started more things than I could ever possibly finish, and all of them seem somehow incomplete. If I were to review my own writing, it would be “lacks a point.” Because often, when I read my own writing in retrospect, that’s what I notice first. Introduction: check. Supporting paragraphs: check. Conclusion? Nowhere to be found.

When a friend sends me a sample of her writing I am transported into a mood I could only call ‘creative jealousy.’ Part of me is livid at her ability to complete a thought on paper. Part of me is inspired to try at it myself. All of me finds it hard to focus on the words themselves; they are simply swimming in front of my eyes as constant reminders of my own inadequacy.

There is an idea that all writers have something to say, they just need to dig deep enough. My problem is I dig plenty deep, but I’m afraid to put any of it down on paper. Those of my friends and colleagues who are not affected by this crippling self-censorship, who have a true and honest connection between their minds and their fingers, those are the people of whom I am truly jealous.

Jealousy and admiration are complex emotions and live side by side. But I’m pretty sure that when I feel jealousy, it is myself I am truly mad at. That probably isn’t just for creativity, but for everything.